For a huge portion of my life, I had fit the stereotypical role of the “hardcore gamer”. I remember reserving Super Mario Bros. 3 just for rental because of the footage I’d seen in the movie The Wizard. I pre-ordered the PS1, PS3, PSP, Xbox, Xbox 360, while trading for the Dreamcast, N64, and PS2 months after the early adopters. I remember Secret of Mana rocking my world (and to this day it’s my all-time favorite game). I spent the majority of my sophomore and junior year eating, sleeping, and dreaming Final Fantasy VII. I bred a gold chocobo. I defeated the Ruby and Ultimate Weapons (though Emerald still escapes my grasp. I had the japanese demo of the first Metal Gear Solid. I got an Xbox 360 first-shipment tip from my high school friend Rob and I waited (first person in line, mind you) outside Target a couple of hours before work in order to grab my own console. I even told a random old man next to me that I was in line to buy condoms so as to divert attention from the major electronics purchase I was about to make (and which was to rock my world).

I was in it, man.

But now…Now I don’t do any of those things. I’ll buy a game months, maybe even a year after it’s come out. I’m barely catching up on the first Mass Effect (unsuccessfully, it turns out). Part of it is, yes, my role as “busy” graduate student: gaming/gaming studies isn’t part of my research area per se, but I still love to interrogate the genre of gaming.

And yet I still feel as I’ve somehow “betrayed” my gaming past, as if teenage ‘Tacious would come back from 1995 and try to slap me for not preordering Assassin’s Creed 3. “You actually have expendable income,” I can hear mini-Tacious say. “Not a lot,” I’d respond. “But you have it. You can afford $60 a month which, frankly, would pay for a new and used game right now.”

But it’s not just a time or income issue. I don’t feel compelled to make the purchase like I used to. I don’t yearn for the sterile, cold smell of fresh electronics (though it’s still one of my favorite smells, next to a new car). I played HeroAcademy, Game Developer Story, MapleCC, Draw Something, and other mobile games, but moved on. I got sucked into Skyrim and Arkham City and am still playing Catherine (another post, another time…). I guess what I’m saying is, I’m neither waiting in line nor with bated breath, for these games.

Does that mean that I’ve forfeited my “hardcore” status? Perhaps. But then again, what does “hardcore” even mean? Are we talking PC? Console? Portable? If portable, does that include mobile? Do MMORPG’s hold more sway than traditional RPG’s? What about JRPG’s? And how do sports games play into this? Mini-Tacious often yelled at celebrities on TV when they would say things like “…yeah I’m a gamer. I play Madden all the time.” So does my love of FIFA and NBA2k make me less of a gamer?

All this to say, I wonder how these gaming labels get perpetuated and whether or not they disappear. I wonder whether or not this has prevented me from posting on this site–I don’t feel as if I devote nearly as much time on games as dr.b or alex, which doesn’t make any sense whatsoever (secret audience member, WHAT!). Am I in some weird way ashamed of what I’ve become or haven’t become? Have I actively tried to disassociate myself from gaming? I don’t think so–many of the real life references I make come from gaming (my friend and I used to make fun of WoW players by asking them if they had their “Epic Flying Mount”, just because the phrase sounded hilariously suggestive). So why do I still feel less “hardcore”?

I don’t know the answers to any of these questions. But I do know that I’ll probably be downloading Journey this weekend…